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Birdfeed: Vol. 15.16; Chip the Führer

The 2015 season is over and Chip Kelly is gone… but never forgotten. (AP Photo/Michael Perez, File)

First of all, can I just say how much I’m enjoying all the stories leaking out in regards to how horrible Chip Kelly was at his job? I feel so vindicated for wasting the last two months of my life begging the Eagles to fire Kelly. My favorite quote was from Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie when he spoke about what he was looking for in the next head coach:

“Interacts well with others.”

My son is in Kindergarten. Interacts well with others is something that came home on his report card. This isn’t a complicated lesson. It’s something most successful human beings learn before 2nd grade. It’s not like Lurie said “I need someone who can win 12 games annually or teach quantum physics to the defensive line.” No, he said he wanted someone that INTERACTS WELL WITH OTHERS.

Chip was obviously a flop when it came to personnel, but what he was equally bad at was managing a team. My cousin dubbed Kelly, “Führer,” which is perfect. He treated his players like incapable children instead of professionals. Essentially, Kelly was a control freak. If you didn’t do it his way you were in the doghouse or put out on the street. DeSean Jackson and LeSean McCoy were both sent packing because Chip couldn’t turn them into choirboys. Jordan Matthews let it be know last week that Kelly told Matthews he wouldn’t play for him if he continued with his silly celebrations. I’m completely against Matthews’ moronic celebrations, but really, they upset you that much? Didn’t Chip have bigger things to worry about? It’s not like Matthews was drawing penalties. Even Brent Celek’s wonderful 1st down celebration returned the week after Chip was fired. That’s not a coincidence.

Kelly zapped all the fun out of that locker room. There’s no correlation between business and winning. The Carolina Panthers are 15-1 and one of the most boisterous, lovable and obnoxious teams in recent memory. Some birds are straight edged. Some are crazy. As long as they do their job, let them wear their own feathers.

I can’t help but tie Kelly’s handling of players to not having any kids and being single since 1999. This goes back to the Interacts well with others. When you live by yourself, everything goes the way you want. Your rules, all the time. When you get married and live with someone else, you have to be more flexible or you’ll end up living alone again. When you have kids, you have to surrender 100% of your control over insignificant things because kids are tornados. Hang on to too many things and you’ll spend 18 years in a dizzying storm. Kelly never learned to let go of stupid things like player celebrations or eccentric personalities. If he couldn’t adapt to little things, it makes perfect sense why he never adjusted his system to fit talent like DeMarco Murray.

As for the future, the questions are endless. Who’s the next coach? Who will be the quarterback? Who stays and who goes? Do the players still get smoothies? I’ll pretend to know what I’m talking about in regards to these questions soon. For now, I’m enjoying the endless dance party atop Chip Kelly’s coaching grave.

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