Allow me to explain why with a few examples from the 2010 NBA and NHL Playoffs.

Obviously (as noted in my Alexander the Goat article a few weeks back), I believed the Washington Capitals deserved to be serenaded with boos. I would have even tolerated litter on the ice. Yes, throwing trash onto the ice is childish, illegal, and dangerous, but all three adjectives describe how most professional athletes behave in society anyway, so have at it. (Just kidding…about tolerating things being thrown onto the ice, not how athletes behave.) The Capitals deserved their fans’ disgust. Instead, they received a round of applause. Shame on you, Capital fans.

Yes, losing happens; it’s a part of sports. However, losing isn’t what requires booing, it’s the frequency and severity of losing that makes booing necessary. The Capitals have shriveled up and died in the playoffs for three straight years. When that happens, you boo…loudly, and you don’t stop until you’ve chased them off the ice. I even booed the Capitals and Alexander Ovechkin from my couch…and I’m a Flyers fan. The same formula should be applied to the New Jersey Devils. Another example of a regular season bully that goes M.I.A. come playoff time.

In the NBA playoffs, the Atlanta Hawks come to mind. No one expected the Hawks to beat the Orlando Magic in round two. However, Atlanta fans (and all basketball fans) were appalled at the lack of effort and intensity demonstrated by the Hawks. After being blown out by more than 40 points in the series opener, Atlanta responded by getting trounced in their next three outings and was swept from the playoffs. Sweeps happen. Getting beaten by a better team happens. Even getting blown out by a superior opponent is understandable, but to exert no effort and zero intensity is unacceptable, especially in the playoffs. The Hawks don’t really have a fan base, but the few fans they do have should still be booing.

As for the Cavaliers being booed by their own fans in what could have been LeBron’s final home game? I loved it. LeBron has held those fans hostage for the last two years. They’re scared to death about whether he’ll leave or stay. On Tuesday night, LeBron and the Cavaliers were so putrid that Cleveland fans finally stood up and said, ENOUGH! Even great players need to be told they stink from time to time. By booing LeBron, Cleveland may have pushed him away for good. If that’s the case, good for them. Any player that can’t take some boos, especially after a lousy game like that, doesn’t deserve the blind devotion that Cleveland has given to LeBron. Given is the key word. LeBron is a fantastic player, but he hasn’t earned anything yet. He has one NBA Finals appearance, no wins and zero championships. At this point, he owes Cleveland more than they owe him. Booing his lackadaisical effort on Tuesday night was the right call-we obviously want you to stay, but this is unacceptable. Cleveland’s season isn’t over, but sometimes a single game deserves a chorus of boos. Cleveland fans hit all the right notes on Tuesday night.

Let’s break it down in real world terms. If I have a great year at work, everyone loves me, and then I go on a two week stretch where I’m as worthless as Sammy Sosa without ‘roids, you better believe someone is going to say something. Why are fans supposed to ignore a sloppy two week stretch (at the most important time of the year nonetheless)? Because the team gave us an enjoyable regular season? No thank you. The greatest thing about “sports” is its simplicity. Only one thing matters; championships. Fans aren’t rooting for a rosy regular season. We want titles. Obviously, the season(s) building up to that title are appreciated and celebrated, but once a team gets stagnant in that pursuit (Capitals, Atlanta Hawks), fans get fed up.

The Philadelphia Eagles epitomize stagnant. Philly fans loved the early 2000’s as Donovan McNabb and the birds rose to prominence. We didn’t boo when the Giants beat us in the Divisional Round or when St. Louis squeaked out a win in the Conference Championship. Losing is an integral part of winning. However, once the Eagles dropped three consecutive NFC Championships (two to lesser opponents), the natives got restless. A half-decade later, we’re still restless. The Eagles have been running in place since the Patriots won Super Bowl XXXIX.

To further prove that losing doesn’t always deserve booing, let’s look at the Philadelphia Flyers and Oklahoma City Thunder. The Flyers were down 0-3 in a seven game series to the Boston Bruins. They’ve since battled back to tie the series at three. Let’s pretend the Flyers were swept by the Bruins in four games, the final loss coming at the Wachovia Center. I’m almost certain the Philadelphia crowd would have applauded the Flyers. They were overmatched, shorthanded, and battling injuries that plagued them all year. A sweep would have been disheartening, but no one could question the Flyers effort.

The same is true for the Thunder. In their first playoff appearance, the young Thunder went head to head to with the powerful Lakers and extended the series to six games. The Thunder played hard and attacked the favored Lakers, but still fell in defeat. Losing in the 2010 playoffs was an early step in building a successful team that should compete for the NBA title for years to come. Did the players want to lose? Of course not. Kevin Durant shrugged off talk of moral victories immediately after the series ended. When asked how he felt, he responded, “Like I just lost a playoff series.” I’m sure Durant understands getting postseason experience (even losing) is part of the process, but no player with aspirations for greatness would accept that as an excuse for defeat. The Thunder faithful clearly understood the situation. After game six the Thunder were treated to a rousing and well-deserved ovation from their crowd. The fans appreciated the team’s development over the past year and thanked them for their efforts and success. Now, if OKC is still getting bumped in the first round two years from now, you better believe those fans will start booing, and so they should.

Too conclude, I don’t have a problem with fans not booing. To boo or not to boo is a choice that every fan can make. However, if a multi-millionaire athlete isn’t giving his best effort in the playoffs; you better believe I’m going to let him hear about it. After all, I get scolded at work if I misread a zip code.

(Real quick. Here’s my explanation for the recent lack of content… Apparently being unemployed creates a bizarre paradox. While I have a significant amount of time, my brain struggles to focus on anything other than finding a job. Thus, I have been unable to access the creative/writing side of my brain for the past ten days. Therefore, I forced myself to stay awake into the early morning hours to see if creative thought would ensue from fatigue. Mission accomplished. Now onto my favorite athletes…)

As you will soon learn, Philadelphia athletes were excluded from this list because they’re obviously (for better or worse) my favorite athletes. Very few of them meet the criteria anyway (at least right now). Therefore, with the exception of Willie Green, they’ve been left out. Just Kidding … Wait, that’s confusing. Just kidding about Willie Green being included. Not kidding – Philly athletes were left out.

Baseball
Derek Jeter fulfills all the necessary requirements. However, I can’t pick a Yankee, even if he is, “The Captain.” Therefore, Albert Pujols is currently my player of choice. Like Jeter, Pujols rates extremely high in all categories on my checklist. Obviously, Jeter has more championships, but Pujols just turned 30, so there’s plenty of time for him to claim a couple more. Some may argue his “IT” level isn’t up to par with other baseball superstars. I think Brad Lidge would vehemently disagree.

Here’s what I love about Pujols: He can hit for power AND average. I get frustrated that Ryan Howard has only managed to do this once (his MVP season of 2006). I know Howard’s power numbers are ridiculous, but I can’t excuse his averages over the past three seasons (ok, his .279 in ’09 is acceptable). Pujols’ power numbers rival Howard’s and he hits at an average nearly 50-100 points higher. All while batting in a lineup significantly less potent than the Phillies’ stable of mashers. Again, I understand Howard’s power numbers are fantastic, but name two other players in the Cardinals’ batting order. You can’t, and Pujols still rakes in the RBI.

It gets better… Pujols doesn’t strike out. It would take over three full seasons for Pujols to strike out as many times as Howard does in one, yes one, season. Need further statistical evidence of his greatness? Pujols ranked in the top five in on base percentage (OBP) every year from 2003-2009 except one (8th in 2004), and was in the top five every year during that span in slugging percentage (SLG) and OPS (OBP and SLG combined). He’s an offensive machine that often gets overlooked for postseason awards because he’s unbelievably consistent. To top it all off, Pujols is an amazing talent at first base who baseball junkies say loses out on gold gloves because he lunges for, and sometimes boots balls that other first basement can’t make a play on. Do I wish he could steal 50 bases? Sure. Other than that, there’s not much else to ask for.

Football
What makes the NFL great is that a single player can’t carry a team to a championship. A quarterback can’t run an offense if he’s under heavy pressure. Wide Receivers can be double covered. Eight men in the box will slow down a stellar running back (LaDanian Tomlinson’s playoff career). An offense can easily avoid a defensive superstar if the unit surrounding him is average (Darrelle Revis vs. Colts in AFC Championship). In football, it’s hard for a single player to even influence every game unless it’s the quarterback. With that said, Tom Brady is my favorite NFL player that satisfies all five requirements. I don’t always root for him or his team, but I love everything about how he approaches the game.

His championships speak for themselves as do his multiple Super Bowl MVP awards. Brady’s clutch. If I had to select any quarterback for a 4th quarter drive to tie or win a game, I’m picking Brady. No question about it. You may argue for Ben Roethlisberger but I can’t put the game in his hands over Brady. (In fact, I wouldn’t put anything near Roethlisberger’s hands. He’s apparently too touchy-feely.) Peyton Manning was elevated to “clutch driver” status for two weeks following his dismantling of the Jets. Unfortunately, his horrendous 4th quarter in last month’s Super Bowl got him demoted. Now he’s beating Roethlisberger away with a pylon down on tier two. I digress.

Despite his ability to rise to the occasion, it’s Brady’s demeanor and style that I enjoy most. Only he and Manning will get into a receivers face over a dropped pass or blown route. I love this. Accountability among teammates is the most important foundation for championships. Brady demands perfection of himself and his teammates.

(*It was hard for me to go with Brady here. Brady went soft in 2009 – letting Moss pout all over the field while Welker killed himself week in and week out. He’s also never been the same since his knee injury. I was prepared to switch my allegiance to Manning but again, he Bill Bucknered the Super Bowl.)

Hockey
Alex Ovechkin is everything I hoped Eric Lindros would become. What Lindros often lacked (heart, grit); Ovechkin brings on a nightly basis. He also leads the NHL in points and goals. Ovechkin is an offensive force. Even better, he ranks first in plus/minus. Not only is he producing during his time on the ice, but he’s keeping his opponents off the board as well. When you’re getting that kind of production from one of the league’s premier players on both ends of the ice, you must be thrilled as a coach.

Qualification number one (too fly to try) doesn’t really apply to hockey players. When nine other skaters are flying around you at warp speed, it’s hard to be lazy without getting benched. However, anyone who’s watched Ovechkin knows his energy level and intensity is unmatched. He hits, defends, fights, and does whatever else is required to win. From everything I’ve read, his teammates love him too, and opposing fans despise him (always means you’re doing well).

Two concerns with Ovechkin. First, he’s young now, only 24, but will his body hold up for an extended career with his reckless style of play? I sure hope so. Everything I love about Alexander the Great is what I despise about Sidney Crosby. Cindy is always whining about something or antagonizing an opponent before scurrying back to his bench. Maybe my perception of Crosby is because I’m a Flyers fan. Maybe not. Either way, Sid the Kid is a fantastic hockey player. He’s also a gigantic pansy.

My second concern is Ovechkin’s response to the pressure of matching the successes of Crosby. Crosby now has a Stanley Cup and an Olympic Gold Medal. Crosby defeated Ovechkin in both tournaments en route to his titles. Will their rivalry push them both to greatness a la Bird and Magic, or will Crosby’s early success do irreparable damage to Ovechkin’s confidence a la the Jordan – Drexler battles in the early ‘90s? If Ovechkin and the Capitals fail to advance further than the Penguins or worse, lose to them again, will Ovechkin succumb to the pressure? While he’s yet to carry his team deep into the playoffs or anywhere near a championship, I believe Ovechkin has the intangible “IT.” Time will tell.

Like or not, the NHL rests on the shoulders of Ovechkin and Crosby. They are the league’s most marketable stars and are the most attractive playoff matchup the NHL has had in years. That, in addition to matching Crosby’s early success, is a lot of pressure for any 24 year old. Let’s hope he can handle it.

Basketball
Contrary to most NBA superstars, its Duncan’s skills and intelligence that set him apart from his peers, not his athletic ability. In fact, Duncan’s athleticism has all but abandoned him now. He labors up and down the court like my friend Brad after four hours of ball, dragging his knees behind him. Yet, he can STILL put up a 20 and 10 whenever he pleases. That’s right, whenever he pleases.

With Duncan, you won’t see gaudy numbers every night because he won’t force it, especially if his team doesn’t need him to. The stats don’t matter. His playing time doesn’t matter. Winning matters. Take the night of February 18, 2010 for example. Duncan and the Spurs starters were getting ripped by the Houston Rockets. Spurs coach Gregg Popovich went to his bench in the second half. San Antonio’s bench cut into the deficit and kept the team close, cutting the lead to 3 with less than ten seconds to go. Following the game, Duncan was asked about his playing time and the extensive playing time given to the bench. Duncan’s response?

“Our second unit did a good job getting us back into the game. The guys out on the court were the guys making the run. You don’t penalize them and take them out when the score gets close.”

You see, Duncan understands winning. He knows it’s not about him or his touches. Winning is about a cohesive unit where no player is more important than the next. This is why Popovich rips into Duncan at practice like he’s a rookie from the D-League. Duncan has no ego. He sets a precedent for his teammates – No one is above the team and everyone is subject to tough love from the coach. It’s no coincidence the Spurs have been one of the NBA’s elite teams over the past decade.

Watch Duncan play and you’ll appreciate him more and more. He’s a master of his craft. Annually, my brother and I see the Spurs when they visit Philadelphia. I spend most of my time watching Duncan’s every move and cursing the Sixers in-house announcer, Matt Cord. (Seriously, Matt, shut up.) Duncan boxes out with precision and his offensive moves are effective, even though mundane. He worked Samuel Dalembert over so many times that poor Sammy got himself a technical for screaming at the referee. Dalembert then went over to Duncan to say a few things. Duncan’s face didn’t change. On the very next play, he raised his right hand toward his point guard, received the ball, and drew another foul on Dalembert. Sammy went off, got ejected, and Duncan stood there in silence with a blank stare. Just another day at the office.

Duncan has the accolades and titles to further prove what a great player he is. He teammates love and respect him as evidenced in the way he puts his massive hands on their heads to congratulate or encourage them. They don’t shy away either, they embrace it. He’s the alpha wolf looking after his pack.

Duncan’s time in the NBA is winding down. I’m hoping he gives us another long playoff run before he hangs the shoes up for good. Regardless, the best power forward the NBA’s ever seen will be a tough act to replace on my favorite players list. After falling to the Spurs 90-87, in a game where Duncan struggled offensively but still grabbed 26 rebounds, Pacers guard, TJ Ford summed up Duncan in one sentence, “I don’t know too many guys in this league that can go 4-for-23 and still help his team win.” Neither do I TJ. Neither do I.

We’ve entered the black hole of the sports calendar. The Olympics saved us this year, but this is normally a period for reflection, planning, and complete and utter boredom. I’m going to pass some time, specifically three minutes of your time, by sharing how I choose my favorite athletes in the four major sports.

If you consider NASCAR one of those four (a reasonable argument), then I will quickly inform you that I only know the names of a few drivers, that Jimmie Johnson is on a tear similar to Michael Jordan’s early ‘90’s run, and that Toyota drivers are not permitted to pit until their gas pedal issues are resolved. That’s the extent of my NASCAR knowledge. I digress.

Wait, you actually have standards for your favorite players? Why yes, yes I do. In fact, I have specific criteria that must be met. Don’t laugh. If I’m investing my time and hitching my fan trailer to someone, I need to know he’s up to the task.  (Special thanks to my cousin Wayne who shared his input and inspired a future “athletes we like to hate” post coming soon.) Here’s my checklist:

1. Are they too cool to try/care? If so, then I don’t bother. This is like girls that smoke (when I was single, of course). Regardless of how attractive/rich/beautiful she was, smoking was not negotiable. Likewise, acting too cool to try/care is not negotiable. DeSean Jackson is flirting with joining Randy Moss, Terrell Owens, Jose Reyes, Manny Ramirez, Amare Stoudemire, and Richard Jefferson in the “too fly to try” crew. Trying/caring only in big games or when the score is close doesn’t count either. It’s all or nothing. I want guys diving after loose balls, sacrificing their bodies, and giving 110% despite the scoreboard. (Notice I couldn’t come up with any hockey players? Effort is what hockey is all aboot, err about.)
2. Is there enough talent? While I don’t need Michael Jordans, I do need to win games. A fourth string cornerback can work his tail off on special teams, but if he can’t shut down the opposition’s top receiver his effort is irrelevant. Effort is enough for his mom to love him. Not enough to be my favorite player.
3. Would I want to be his teammate? All personal preferences on this one. I can’t pledge my allegiance to a whiner (oops, sorry, didn’t see you there Cindy Crosby). Nor will I root for a “love me some me” egomaniac to succeed (how are you today, Terrell Owens). Finally, it would be impossible for me to support someone whose teammates can’t stand him (here’s to you, Wilt, Barry Bonds, yester year’s Kobe, and yet again, TO).
4. Does he have “IT”? “IT” can’t be taught or acquired. You either have it or you don’t. Tom Brady has it, Donovan McNabb does not. “It” is that uncanny ability to rise to the occasion. To overcome obstacles. To hoist a team on your shoulders and carry them to victory, or more importantly, championships. Derek Jeter, Martin Brodeur (shaking my head), Kobe Bryant, Ben Roethlisberger (I just threw up a little) and Dwyane Wade have this.
5. For who? For what? Seriously, Ricky Watters would like to know. I’ll defer to Aaron Rowand for this one. Take it away, Aaron. “For who? My teammates. For what? To win.” Well said.

That’s the current criteria. “For who? For what?” was the latest addition – added in 2007. The list is always changing, so I’ll update it as necessary. Remember, ask not what you can do for your favorite athlete, ask what your favorite athlete must do for you.

Who are my favorite players? Glad you asked…

…coming soon.

2^nd Inning

8:15 PM: Howard 3 for 23, it’s amazing the Phillies weren’t swept.

8:17 PM: Ibanez has struck out 9 times in the series already. Why not commit entirely and go for two players breaking the old record. If you can’t win the championship, that’s not a bad consolation prize.

8:25 PM: (2012 Movie Commercial) John Cusack making another attempt at an action, super action movie. Have we so quickly forgotten that his last attempt was “Con Air?”  “Why couldn’t you just put the bunny down?”

8:28 PM: (Fans chanting “Who’s your daddy?”) My daddy’s name is Dan. Who’s your daddy?

8:30 PM: This could be our final night with the afro/mullet/perm on top of Pedro’s head. I might ask my brother to grow one so I have one to look at from time to time.

8:33 PM: (Hideki Matsui hit a 2 run shot) How do you say, “Oh crap,” in Japanese? Yankees 2-0.

8:36 PM: If Godzilla were real, Tim McCarver’s statement, “Godzilla is huge in Tokyo,” would confuse a lot of people. How many people did he kill?

3^rd Inning

8:45 PM: Chooch is craaaazy!  Triples by catchers = awesome.  Darren Daulton always looked like he was gonna need a beer and a cigarette at third to make it home.

8:47 PM: On the board. 2-1 Yankees.

8:51 PM: (Pictures of Pedro’s head on a baby in a diaper on back page) Is the New York Post a legitimate newspaper? Do people even buy newspapers?

9:00 PM: A-Rod comes to the plate with the bases loaded. If the Phillies are within three runs by the end of the 3^rd, it would be a miracle.

9:04 PM: Huge, huge, huge, huge, x a million, strikeout of A-Rod. If Pedro doesn’t surrender a run here, the momentum would all go to the Phillies. (McCarver just said what I typed; I promise I typed it first.)

9:07 PM: Or Not. (Matsui 2 RBI single)

4^th Inning

9:11 PM: Johnny Damon is pulled due to injury. This is big time. Jesus, Mary, and Judas were all just taken out of the Yankee lineup.

9:21 PM: Two straight walks to Werth and Ibanez. Pedro Feliz could get his own statue in Philly with a game-tying home run here. (By the way, how upset would you be if you were Feliz? He was lined up to be the hero of game 4 until Brad Lidge ruined it all for him. Lidge will not get “Feliz Navidad” greetings from Pedro Feliz this year. Yesss! I pulled off the corny, name/holiday reference. I’m ready for the big time.)

9:24 PM: Cancel the statue. Feliz grounded out to end the inning.

9:33 PM: Yankees go down one, two, three in the bottom half. I’m internally debating the best time to trigger the rally caps. The 5^th inning might be too early, but we can’t wait until the 8^th inning either. This is going to require some thought. I’ll get back to you with my ruling.

5^th Inning

9:38 PM: Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz walks. If Rollins reaches base here (not on a fielder’s choice), the rally is on.

9:41 PM: Double Play. Rally is off! Quick, tell your friends. Rally has been cancelled. No mas! 12 outs until I move my fan counter from 97.5% Eagles/2.5% Phillies to 100% Eagles. By the way, 100% Eagles means I start including Eagles’ injuries in my dinner prayers. True story.

9:46 PM: Derek Jeter doubles. He is clutch. Jeter probably pulls the Chicken out of the stove and the steak off the grille at the absolute perfect time as well.

9:49 PM: Teixeira doubles Jeter home. Put in Cliff Lee. Just put him in. Do it, Charlie!

9:52 PM: Charlie Manuel to Chad Durbin: “Well uh, duh, umm, uh, Thanks Chad. You did real great. 1/3 of an inning, 2 hits, a run, and a walk is exactly what we wanted from you here. Now go sit next to Cliff Lee and hope he sneezes on you.”

9:56 PM: Double play, double play, double play, double play, double play. Come on double play!

9:57 PM: Nooooooooo! Mr. Matsui, I said “double play,” not, two run double. I need a translator. Does anyone speak Japanese?!?!

10:00 PM: Matsui’s game 6 stats: 3/3, HR, 6 RBI. Phillies’ game 6 stats, 2/14, 0 HR, 1 RBI, Friday vacation plans.

6^th Inning

10:09 PM: Ryan Howard showed up! Life! The Phillies have life! I honestly thought, with the game getting out of hand, Howard would go up and bunt on his remaining at bats to avoid breaking the strikeout record. The home run was a pleasant surprise.

10:13 PM: Command to Star Fox. Come in Star Fox… Baseball bats work best when applied to baseballs, not left on shoulders.

10:14 PM: So long, Andy Pettitte. The Phillies have 4, maybe 7 outs before the “Sandman” enters the game (Mariano Rivera).

10:19 PM: Phillies need two more runs in the 7^th inning. Everyone needs to use Chase Utley’s bats. The bats should also be resting in Cliff Lee’s lap until needed.

10:23 PM: Most comforting sight since the Berlin Wall fell: Chan Ho Park warming up in the bullpen. Why? Because Chan Ho Park “stands upon that pitching mound and says, ‘Nothing’s going to hurt you tonight, not on my watch.’”

10:31 PM: FOX shows that Jeter has hit safely in 32 of 38 World Series games. I can’t even start the lawn-mower successfully 32 of 38 times. He needs to run for President.

10:32 PM: Ryan Howard just made an accurate throw to second base. This is huge. Howard never makes that throw. The Phillies are gonna win now. If they don’t, a Howard throw to second that doesn’t reach left field should make the Phillies all feel like winners regardless.

7^th Inning

10:39 PM: Most obvious call ever. Joe Buck states: “I think you need to jump on Joba Chamberlain before Mariano Rivera enters the game.” Really, Joe? Really? You think? You know what? You’re right. You’re a genius. Thank you for making us all smarter. (I actually like Joe Buck)

10:42 PM: Chooch is amazing. He’s my favorite thing from Panama since the canal. Time for rally caps. Hurry!

10:43 PM: Dear Jimmy Rollins, Please don’t feel like you have to try to ground into a double play every time you come to bat with Carlos Ruiz on base. Just wanted you to know. Sincerely, Ryan

10:46 PM: Chase Utley enters the batter’s box with two men on. Nervous……………..

10:50 PM: Utley strikes out on three pitches without taking a full swing. I just shoved four packs of Halloween-sized skittles down my throat. I feel a little better.

10:53 PM: That’s the 36^th time I’ve seen the AVATAR preview. Still not interested, not even remotely. I avoid Michelle Rodriguez movies like the plague.

10:55 PM: Come on, FOX! We’re down 7-3 with two at bats left in an elimination game. Why do you need to show Joe Carter’s home run? Why? Have you no mercy? I still remember looking at my dad with the, “Is it ok if I cry now?” look after witnessing that disaster. He’s not watching the game with me tonight, so I just asked myself the same question. I said no by the way. Not yet at least.

10:58 PM: (Chan Ho Park brushes back A-Rod) Do it, Chan Ho! Hit him! Send a message for game 7, or the 2010 season. I’m ok with either one.

11:01 PM: The Playstation 3 commercial where the guy responds like a lady makes me laugh every time, except tonight. Where are those Skittles?

11:07 PM: Spike Lee looks like he’s trying too hard with all that Yankees gear on. Donald Trump and Regis are a good three hours past their bedtimes. Yes, I’ve resorted to making fun of Yankees fans.

11:10 PM: I knew Scott Eyre should have started tonight’s game.

8^th Inning

11:14 PM: (Ryan Howard struck out) Damaso Marte vs. Utley and Howard tonight: six pitches, two strikeouts.

11:17 PM: Phillies’ 2009 Grim Reaper enters the game. What are the odds of getting four runs off Rivera with only four outs left? I’d guess less than 4%.

11:23 PM: (Raul Ibanez doubles to center) Ok, Raul, Ok. We can build on this. Extend the inning, Pedro, just extend the inning…

11:25 PM: …Or foul out to the catcher. How bad do you have to perform before they allow you to bat with a wooden version of those ginormous orange wiffle ball bats? Wherever that line is, I think Pedro is flirting with it.

11:30 PM: (Pedro Feliz made an impressive play and a strong throw to retire Nick Swisher) Ok, so the man can field.

11:36 PM: Of course Derek Jeter singles. His relationships with teammates must suffer due to his frequent absence in the dugout.

11:38 PM: Potentially the final 2009 at bat for the Phillies. And. Here. We. Go.

9^th Inning

11:43 PM: Bad news: Matt Stairs lined out for the first out of the 9^th inning. Good news: Brian Westbrook will play Sunday night vs. the Cowboys.

11:45 PM: Please, please, please, please, please, Jimmy! No fielder’s choice or double play. Please!?!?

11:46 PM: Fly balls don’t work either. Out number two. Good news: Needy individuals in foreign countries will soon be receiving shipments of “Philadelphia Phillies 2009 World Series Champions” t-shirts.

11:50 PM: Victorino grounds out to end the series. Good news: the visitor’s clubhouse at the new Yankee Stadium won’t reek of beer and bubbly, only tears and sadness.

11:51 PM: Most disappointing thing about Phillies’ failure to repeat? That’s easy, no Charlie Manuel victory speeches. It feels like they cancelled Christmas.

11:53 PM: A-Rod is validated. Jeter and Rivera are elevated. Joe Girardi is vindicated.

11:55 PM: I know of only one copping mechanism. “There’s always next year.” I know that one doesn’t do the trick. It’s more like a slap in the face. My preferred remedy is, E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!

12:08 PM: Translator involved in the World Series MVP presentation. This is fantastic. One of my top three favorite moments from the 2009 World Series.

• The 76ers look really, really good (as far as uniforms go)
• The 76ers look really, really bad (as far as playing goes)
• The Wachovia Center floor is outstanding. It reminds me of a better time.
• The Center was empty tonight. Even the bats in the arena decided to stay away.

That was all I could muster. It was unbearable to watch. I found myself so bored that I was reading up on how “part of Kate Gosselin still loves Jon,” Kirstie Alley’s new reality show, and why my fantasy football team stinks. All while downing eight Halloween-sized bags of Skittles. (The rainbow tastes so good that it’s worth the tooth aches I inevitably suffer hours later.) Plan B: Game 6 of the World Series.

The hoopla that now surrounds the Philadelphia Phillies occurs every time a team on the verge of elimination responds with a victory. It’s natural and unavoidable. Only a seasoned sports fan doesn’t get sucked in. Consider me “unsucked.” (OK, maybe not the greatest choice of words, but I just watched Samuel Dalembert play 24 minutes worth of NBA basketball. This usually makes my brain hurt as I run through the 19,000 different scenarios as to why he’s in the NBA, and the only one I can ever come up with is, “he’s 6’11.” Buuuut I digress.)  How many times have we seen a team down 3-0 or 3-1, win the first elimination game only to fall in the next? It happens all the time. While not handing over the Commissioner’s Trophy in Philadelphia was a big relief, I’m not willing to throw all my marbles on the Pedro Martinez bandwagon. Especially when I have nightmares of Charlie Manuel convincing himself that 162 pitches doesn’t mean Pedro is done. And no, I do not sleep a lot. Even though I’m not captaining the Pedro bandwagon, I’m hopeful the Phils can extend the series one more game. My hope derives from the less than intimidating arm of Andy Pettitte on three days rest, the recent arrival of the Phillies offense, and the Yankees struggling bullpen (excluding Mariano Rivera).

Andy Pettitte is 37 years old. Relatively speaking, that is pretty old to be making playoff starts on only three days of rest. Granted, Pettitte is an absolute user, I mean gamer. (Sorry about that.) He’s been here before, the stage isn’t too big for him, and you know he’ll at least keep New York in the game. We all know this. I have nothing new to offer. I do, however, thoroughly enjoy watching the end of nerve-racking playoff games with friends. On Monday night, my friend Dustin and I watched anxiously as the Yankees continued to score runs in the late innings. Instead of focusing on the looming disaster, we made 492 jokes about walking the first two batters of the 9^th inning and inserting Eric Bruntlett into the game at second to turn an unassisted triple play. It clearly would have been the best move in the situation, only Charlie missed it and allowed Madson to struggle.

If Jimmy Rollins is getting on base the Phillies are almost always in good shape. This has been the case for the past handful of years. Rollins is the catalyst. Anyone who watches the Phillies knows this. What’s interesting is how this hasn’t applied to the World Series. With the exception of game four, Rollins has been on base at least twice in every game. He’s not hitting exceptionally well but he’s getting walks. In game five, the Phillies finally managed to take advantage of Rollins’ efforts by putting up runs in larger chunks and receiving contributions throughout the lineup. The offense is finally showing signs of life. On Monday night (Game 5), the Phillies scored multiple runs in three different innings. In the previous four games combined, they scored multiple runs in only three different innings. Big innings kick start the offense. It would also greatly aid the Phillies offense if Shane Victorino and Howard started to contribute. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if the Yankees walked Utley to pitch to Howard. When did you think you’d ever read that? Utley is on the verge of breaking the World Series home run record while Howard is hoping to avoid the dubious strikeout record. These guys really are champions.

The Phillies have tagged the Yankee bullpen with a run in every game except for game two. The reason? Mariano Rivera was brought in for a six out save. This is why it’s vitally important for the Phillies to chase Pettitte and get 2-3 innings to face the bullpen. After not pitching on Monday, Rivera is likely available for another six out save. If the Phillies can stay within striking distance and chase Pettitte, they should have their opportunities against the Yankee bullpen.

With the Yankee offense clicking and Alex Rodriguez finding his groove, the Phillies will need to score runs. Hopefully, a combination of Pettitte’s insufficiently rested arm, the Phillies offense, and innings against the New York bullpen will produce a game seven on Thursday night. If not, my search for answers in the, “Why is Dalembert an NBA player?” mystery will resume one day earlier than I originally hoped.

(Whew, only six minutes to spare.)

Ok, back to business. I expected a lot from the 2009 MLB Playoffs. After 3 sweeps, the 3-1 & 4-1 victories by the Phillies, and a less than thrilling 4-2 ALCS, you could say I’ve been disappointed. Baseball can still make it up to me though. A seven (I’ll settle for six) game, back and forth, affair between the Phillies and Yankees will heal all of my 2009 playoff wounds. It’s not too much to ask for a competitive World Series, is it? Since the aforementioned 1997 series, there have been five sweeps, three 4-1 thrashings, one 6 game series, and two that went the distance (7 games). For the most important series of the playoffs, that is less than impressive. Until recent years, I had the same gripe with the NFL Super Bowl. A season full of competitive games usually led to a humdrum blowout in the biggest showcase of the season. Don’t let me down, baseball. I can’t handle too much more.

(By the way, I loved the 1997 World Series for several reasons. I’ll list them briefly for you.
-It was a wild series where neither team was able to string together multiple wins.
-It went the full seven games.
-There was snow in game three; this raises the excitement level by at least two points.
-In addition to the snow, 11 runs were scored in the 9^th inning of game three.
-Darren Daulton was on national television, seven times.
-I loved watching Cleveland’s offense and hearing the tribal drum.
-It was the first time I saw a pitcher (Jose Mesa) with a crazy colored glove.
-Gary Sheffield’s batting stance.
-A walk-off, series deciding hit in the bottom of the 11^th with two outs.
FYI, this is the brief version. I loved this series.)

OK, back to business (again). Every newspaper, sports network, website, and blog has already broken down every aspect of this series so I’m not going to bother here. Instead, I’ll give you a few other things to look for as the best World Series in over a decade unfolds (fingers crossed, fingers crossed).

This is one of the few World Series in the past decade where the two teams present an intriguing matchup without taking talent, rosters, managers, etc, etc… into consideration. The 2000 Series between the Yankees and Mets (existing hatred), and the 2002 Series between the Angels and Giants (EVERYONE hated Barry Bonds) were the others. The unique aspect of the 2009 Series is that the Phillies and Yankees don’t genuinely hate each other; the fans do. When fans have an extreme disdain for opposing fans, it often translates into the locker rooms, or in this case, the clubhouse. I’ve spoken with a few friends from the NYC area over the past few days and they’ve confirmed that Yankee fans are generally Giants fans. In case you’re new to sports, the Eagles have an arch nemesis that goes by, “Giants.” See, these fans really do hate each other. Combine the fan hatred with Rollins’ guarantee and the addition of Brett Myers to the roster, and I guarantee we will see some fireworks before this series is over. It’s un-Yankee like to brawl, but the stage and intensity may require some guerilla tactics.

While I can’t confirm this, if you polled Major League Baseball pitchers on which ballpark they least like to pitch in, these two stadiums would be in the top three. Even the cold air won’t be enough to knock down the number of long flies we’ll see throughout the series. This series also pairs the most potent offenses in their respective leagues, two of the three highest slugging percentages in baseball (NYY 1, Boston 2, PHI 3), three of the top ten HR hitters in MLB this year (would have been four if A-Rod were healthy all year), and a total of 12 players with more than 80 RBI (Yankees-7, Phillies-5). So yeah, there’s going to be some offense in this series. I can’t say I’m disappointed either.

Obviously, I am more than excited about the potential offensive onslaught in the series. There are also three individual matchups that I am eager to see play out. The first is the battle for POM, or “Premier Offensive Masher.” Will it be A-Rod or Ryan Howard? Alex Rodriguez is hands down the best player in baseball. He’s proven that this postseason. Howard is one of the game’s most feared offensive forces. If these two engage in a classic “match this” battle, we will be in for a real treat. The second matchup is the closers. We all know Mariano Rivera rules October (and the other 11 months). Brad Lidge, on the other hand, rebounded from a shaky regular season to perform nicely in the playoffs thus far. However, Lidge has not faced a team in a save situation that has a batter (other than Manny) that can tie or win the game with one swing. The Yankee lineup is filled with these players. One bad pitch in a close game could cost Lidge and the Phillies more than a base hit or a runners-on jam. The final matchup is between the alternate sluggers. The series may be decided by Mark Teixeira and Jayson Werth. If A-Rod and Howard remain hot, both Teixeira and Werth will have plenty of opportunities to drive in runs. The player that has the better series will play a significantly role in who ultimately wins this series.

It’s important that we recognize the horde of reporters that will be covering this series. It’s not easy taking notes at a Charlie Manuel press conference. Here’s a fictional example. Charlie says: “Yeh, uh, I like that uh, duh, uh, Jimmy played that ball real good.” A reporter must somehow interpret what Charlie really means. Allow me. Charlie meant: “You know, Jimmy Rollins is a fine shortstop. He played that ball perfectly. He stayed down, attacked the ball, and made a strong, accurate throw to beat the runner.” Not everyone can translate Charlie’s native tongue. It’s a special gift.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the dugout cam is fantastic. This is the crème de la crème of dugout cam ball clubs. If you had your choice of all 30 teams, you couldn’t find two dugout entertainers quite like the Phillies and Yankees. This is why we watch. My quick dugout cam viewing guide:

• Shane Victorino talking to a teammate while the teammate looks overwhelmed by the rate of Shane’s speech. This makes me laugh each time. The teammate is always thinking, “Holy crap, your lips move almost as fast at your legs.” Great fun.
• Multiple close-ups of Pedro Martinez’s mullet/afro/perm. I still haven’t decided which it is.
• A-Rod/Jeter butt grabs (Similar to this one)
• Nick Swisher’s antics, dude is craaaazzzzy.
• Joe Girardi melting his brain over each managerial decision. Always look for the 958 page scouting report binder behind you, Joe. You know, the one you referred to when you blew game three against the Angels.
• Track how many times you confuse Matt Stairs for a bullpen catcher. Happens to me all the time, “Hey, why’s the bullpen catcher in the dugout? That doesn’t seem righhh…oh, my bad. That’s just Matt Stairs.”
• Does Derek Jeter’s hair move…ever? It’s 2009, no documentation exists that proves otherwise. This is perhaps the greatest controversy in baseball since the Pete Rose fiasco. Steroids is a close second. The dug out cam might break this case wide open.

Larry Bowa. Poor Larry. For the past however many years, Bowa has been employed by the Philadelphia Phillies or the New York Yankees. In 2008, Bowa followed pal Joe Torre to Los Angeles to coach the Dodgers. Since joining LA, Bowa’s had front row seats for the Phillies’ annual demolition of the Dodgers in the NLCS. Now, he gets to watch both former teams face off in the World Series. Maybe Larry should not have followed old Joe to la-la land. Regardless, I love Larry Bowa. If I were rich, I would pay a large sum of money to have him yell at me when I screw up. How this is relevant to anything, I have no idea. I jotted down this note last week and refused to not include it. Please send your complaints to my editor at: ihavenoeditor@nothingwillbedone.com Thanks.

A few more things to enjoy:

“Who’s your daddy?” chants reigning down from the Yankee faithful in game two in the Bronx. This goes back to Pedro’s Boston days when he stated after a loss to New York, “I just tip my hat and call the Yankees my daddy.” Gotta love playoff baseball.

Hideki Matsui’s ear lobes. I love Matsui, but you could hide a small child behind those things.

I promised myself I wouldn’t make any jokes about CC Sabathia’s pants this time. (Trying not to type one, trying so hard, almost moving past the temptation) Ok, Ok, Ok, I can’t do it… If the winds pick up in the Bronx, there’s a strong possibility that DirectTV won’t be the only blimp in the sky. Whew, I feel much better.

Steroid Count: Yankees 2, Phillies 0 (J.C. Romero isn’t on the active roster)

At some point throughout the first inning (or early innings, I can’t remember), the Yankee faithful chant each of the Yankee fielders names until they acknowledge the crowd. This is cool. Again, the more organized and clever fans are, the closer “sports” gets to attaining its full potential.

Best Scenario, ever: FOX guest analyst Ozzie Guillen interviews Charlie Manuel when Charlie is handed the Commissioner’s Trophy as 99.9% of American households collectively say, “Huhh?”

Prediction: Uhhh, the Sixers will struggle in the early, middle, and latter part of the season. (P.S. I don’t necessarily believe this, but it’s too easy to make fun of the 76ers. I can’t resist.)

One of the great things about the baseball playoffs is the willingness of wives to sit down and pretend to care about a baseball game. Last Friday, I had my buddy Matt and his wife over for game two of the NLCS. Matt and I have been indulged in the sports world since we were four. We both married young ladies that aren’t as indulged. By that, I mean they honestly couldn’t care less. Anyway, I quickly learned that watching a playoff game with them was more entertaining than the game itself. I could write an entire post dedicated to those few hours, but I have more material to cover. Here are the highlights.

*As Charlie Manuel blew through five different relievers in the 8^th inning, Matt and I had to explain that pitchers aren’t positioned by specific innings. For instance, Ryan Madson isn’t listed on the roster as an “8^th inning pitcher,” just like Chad Durbin isn’t listed as a “6^th inning pitcher.”
*When Ryan Howard led off the 7^th with a single to right, Matt got a little excited and clapped. His wife looked up from her conversation with my wife and asked, “Did the Phillies just score a point?” I think if Matty’s eyes rolled any further back in his head, he may have died. (If you don’t understand this one, I’ll help you out. The scoreboard tracks runs, not points.)
*I forget exactly when it happened or who was responsible, but a pitch was fouled off. The ladies referred to this as, “out of bounds.” At this point, Matt’s head was buried in his hands.
*In the fifth inning of game one, Utley threw the ball into the front row while attempting to turn a double play. My wife immediately responded, “Guess you’re not world effing champs this year.” Priceless.

Some additional thoughts from the NLCS:

(8:20PM ET) Who would have guessed Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz would only trail Howard, ARod, and Ibanez in playoff RBI’s after two weeks of playoff baseball?

Chan Ho Park was responsible for two of my favorite NLCS moments. His performance in the 7^th inning of game one was remarkable. He entered the game with a one run lead, Andre Ethier on second, and zero outs. Three batters later (heart of the Dodgers order mind you), Ethier was still on second and the inning was over. In game two, his flailing dive at Ronnie Belliard’s 8^th inning bunt was priceless (go to 1:01 mark). I love pitchers.

Cole Hamels’ “act of frustration” after being pulled from game one was deplorable. He threw his glove down, knocked over a few Gatorade cups and then looked around like he was going to be scolded. It was the most uncomfortable, awkward tantrum in the history of playoff baseball. It’s ok, Cole, show us you’re fiery; throw a Gatorade cooler; empty the bat rack, storm into the clubhouse. You pitch in Philadelphia, we eat that stuff up.

Just when we thought his arm was going haywire, Utley figured it out. Chuck Knoblauch’s legacy as the “front row gunner” remains intact.

I’m not going to mention how spectacular that player across from Pedro Feliz has been for the Phillies because I don’t want to jinx his success. However, I will say that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching him write his own playoff legacy. This is the stuff we tell our kids about.

“Can you meet me halfway? Right at the borderline that’s where I’m gonna wait…for you…” Has anyone else seen this commercial?

The media making a big deal of Manny showering while Rollins was putting LA on suicide watch was overblown. The guy went into the Green Monster to take a pee break in the middle of an inning once. It’s who he is. His teammates accept it and have no issues with him. Find a new story.

(9:26PM ET) The Dodgers stink

How do you walk Matt Stairs on four pitches? The guy swings at anything between his eyes and shins.

Jimmy Rollins’ game-winning hit in game four was awesome. However, it wasn’t as great as Andre Iguodala’s game winning shot against the Magic in game one of the 2009 playoffs.

I’m kidding. I got chills from both events. Chills from Rollins’ hit because of its magnitude, and chills from Iggy’s shot because I was afraid of the disturbing face he made after hitting the shot. Look at your own risk.

(10:15PM ET) Things you won’t hear as the World Series approaches: “It’s ok that Cole Hamels surrenders home runs at an alarming rate, the Yankees aren’t a home run hitting team.”

If I’m Jimmy Rollins, I am ticked off. The aforementioned hit was clearly a triple and they scored it as a double. Triples are so much cooler. We need to address this and appropriately credit players for game winning hits.

I was bored to death by game three. 11-0 is not playoff baseball.

(10:51PM ET) “There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.” Can we please kill this commercial? Like now? I have faith we can do it. Someone once told me, “There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.”

Why Philadelphia Hates Kobe Bryant: The 2001 NBA Finals. He likes the Dodgers. He used to like the Mets. He doesn’t like the Phillies. Somebody clearly forgot where he’s from. He’s yours, Los Angeles. We don’t need him. We have Royal Ivey.

Don’t walk these Phillies. You’re playing with fire.

The ALCS has lacked excitement. I’ve watched every inning and only have a few thoughts:

Joe Buck called the game 2 marathon, “A Classic.” Is the length of the game the only determining factor in labeling a game a classic? The extra innings made it exciting but the game itself was U G L Y, UGLY. I was so mad that the game ended on an error that I kept rewinding my DVR to see if there were any flags on the play.

(10:57PM ET) Howard just gave ARod the inside track to topping Lou Gehrig’s record for consecutive postseason games with an RBI, and then Star Fox homered, again.

Nick Punto, Bobby Abreu, and there’s more I can’t remember; apparently Yankee opponents forget how to run the bases in critical game situations.

Speaking of base running blunders, Robinson Cano was correctly called safe at third in game four. Jorge Posada was clearly out because he was a good two feet off the third base bag. Cano, on the other hand, was absolutely in the “third base safe zone” when he was tagged. Job well done, Mr. Umpire.

10-1 playoff games are almost as boring as 11-0 playoff games.

Only Mariano Rivera can enter a game and promptly load the bases with one out and still have the confidence of his teammates to get out of the jam. I explained how amazing he is to my wife and she responded by blankly staring at me for a few moments before returning to studying, all without saying a word. Obviously, she wasn’t as impressed.

The Blackberry commercial: I’m confused, that move the girl practices in front of her mirror, is that dancing or was she trying to get a spider out of her shirt. I’m not sure.

(11:19PM ET) The Dodgers’ have been as clutch with runners in scoring position as Donovan McNabb in the closing minutes of a tight game (minus the puking of course).

When the Angels look back and see 6 errors in 4 games they’ll have a pretty good idea as to why they’re down 3 games to 1. Well, that and the fact they can’t hit.

CC Sabathia has been worth every penny. Now, if we can only get the Yankees to donate his game worn pants to the military, we could cut costs on parachute production.

Similar to #54/9 (I refuse to jinx him), Alex Rodriguez is having a potentially legendary playoffs. Every time the Yankees need a big hit, he’s there to deliver. It’s amazing how, after being vilified in early 2009, ARod has completely altered his persona on the field and in the clubhouse. I can’t wait to see these two mashers battle it out in the World Series (fingers crossed).

Speaking of coming up big, whoever stole Mark Teixeira’s bat bag should be the Angels’ ALCS MVP. Teixeira is batting .111 in the series. Unfortunately, the Angels are still down 3-1. Yeesh.

Assuming the ALCS continues at its current pace, let’s hope the World Series brings a little more excitement.

(12:02AM ET) Charlie Manuel just took the mic from Ernie Johnson. This is gonna be great. I’m out.

Rockies vs. Phillies

• Cliff Lee was a stud for the Phillies. Regardless of how far the Phils go from here, first year GM Ruben Amaro Jr. deserves some praise for the move that brought Cliff Lee and the underrated Ben Francisco to Philadelphia. The Phillies could easily be at home right now if not for Lee.
• Games three and four were two great examples of playoff baseball. It was around 1:40AM ET during game three that I first believed the Phillies were intent on repeating as champions. All season long they casually took care of business. Despite the wins and the division lead, I still didn’t believe they had the same fire that was there throughout all of last year. Apparently, winning the World Series last year taught the Phillies how to apply that intensity at the right time. Coming off a championship, there are few teams that would continually battle back on the road in sub freezing temperatures, but that’s what the Phillies did. Carlos Ruiz stepped up and ripped two big hits that gave the lead back to the Phils on both occasions. I had no one to share this excitement with, so I tweeted “CHOOOOOOCCCCHHHH” each time in the wee hours of Monday morning. Aren’t the playoffs great? Also, great job by Ryan Howard in the 9^th inning on Monday morning. It’s no secret that Howard is a strike out candidate in that situation. To get the sac fly there was absolutely huge. That’s what you expect from the leading RBI guy in Major League Baseball.
• Rockies Manager Jim Tracy must have lost some weight after running out to argue with the umpires every 20-25 minutes in games three and four.
• Game four had all the makings of an instant classic; great pitching, intensity, clutch hits, amazing plays, and multiple comebacks. It also had horrible announcers. TBS executives put together a team of Phillie haters that failed miserably at concealing their disdain for the Fightin’s. Note to play-by-play man Brian Anderson (of the Milwaukee Brewers), it’s Chase Utley. Yes, that’s a “T” there. No, it’s not “Uddley” or “Uggly.” Since you made so little effort to correctly pronounce his name, I will now make fun of you for the next few sentences. Congratulations, you’ve certainly earned it. First, Mr. Anderson, when most of us refer to baseball’s season prior to the playoffs, we use the term, “regular season.” Einstein referred to it as the “regular year.” Niiiccce. And you call baseball games all year? Later in the game, Anderson along with his sidekick, Joe Simpson (of the Braves, not Jessica’s dad), and the TBS staff somehow calculated 1.8 + 2.0 to equal 3.6. I tried to figure out how I could be interpreting this incorrectly and finally gave up. As the game continued, they grew increasingly excited as the Rockies mounted their comeback and I despised them all the more. Dear TBS, next time, just send Jose Reyes and David Wright to call the games. Ok, that took too long. Quick game four recap: Cliff Lee = good. Francisco’s catch = great. Charlie Manuel’s substitution of Francisco prior to the catch = obvious, why does Charlie have a “we love you” pass after one championship? All I’ve heard this week is how brilliant a move that was. Let me ask you this, who DOESN’T make that move? Ryan Howard’s double was the biggest hit I can remember in my Phillies lifetime. Before that, numbers 1-87 all belonged to Joe Carter. Not be forgotten, Star Fox’s (Jayson Werth) game winning single was clutch as well. It was also nice to see Lidge close out the game even though I shouldn’t have used the term, “see.” I actually listened with a pillow over my face.
• By the way, this game was so exciting that my wife actually watched the final three innings with me AND almost clapped when Howard crushed the game tying double. She’s more likely to order a UFC Pay-Per-View event than watch baseball. She hates baseball. I bought her a Phillies playoff hoody last year to bribe her to watch the games with me.

Cardinals vs. Dodgers

OK, there were only three things from this series that are worth mentioning.

1. The MLB playoff gods went overboard with their revenge on Matt Holliday. It wasn’t his fault he was called safe two years ago. Making him drop that game winning soft fly was even more humiliating than needing stitches in his chin because he couldn’t slide correctly into home plate. To add insult to injury, poor Holliday took a shot to the groin from that fly ball. If I were you, Matt, I would walk around with St. Louis Rams paraphernalia on at all times. That way, when people see you, your clothing immediately reminds them that you are not the worst sports debacle in the city. Let me know if you need anything else. I’m here for you.
2. The aforementioned tragedy ruined a pitching gem by Adam Wainwright.
3. Cardinals SS Brendon Ryan’s mustache gave me nightmares. I’m almost positive I saw him on America’s most wanted a few years ago.

Looking ahead to the National League Championship Series

Prior to the start of the LCS, make sure you apply this rule to your TV viewing schedule: Always, always tune in to a game with a 1 to 3 run differential after the 6^th inning. Those final three innings are full of drama, excitement and unmatched intensity. It’s the equivalent of LOST, House, CSI, Heroes, and whatever else is on, all rolled into one show.

• Shane Victorino will awkwardly chase down a fly ball and look as if he has no idea what he’s doing until the last second as he makes an unconventional catch. It’s also possible that he inexplicable watches a two out hit and therefore runs past third pass in the biggest moment of the 2009 season to date. Could you imagine if Utley passes him there? Matt Holiday would be doing somersaults in his living room.
• While it’s a shame, none of the games in LA will be starting under the night’s sky. Playoff baseball is always better under the lights.
• TBS will experience a drop in ratings every time one of Cole Hamels’ Comcast commercials comes on the television. Trust me, change the channel. He’s so bad that it’s impossible to laugh. My naturally reaction was to quietly nod my head like a supportive parent whose kid is just embarrassing himself and yet has no idea. I got so nervous and uncomfortable that I was consistently looking over my shoulder to make sure no one else was watching the catastrophe.
• Speaking of commercials, I’ve seen the “Saw 6” commercial so many times already that I’ve begun to prepare myself for the future. Twenty years from now my teenage kid is going to come ask me if he/she can go see “Saw 37” with his/her friends. It will take all my energy not to ground him/her for even asking. You think it’s funny, but I’m legitimately concerned because the franchise has made it this far. It should have been stopped at “Saw ¾.”
• This series will ultimately come down to which team will get the better performance from the third, and maybe fourth, guy in their rotation. As it stands now, the Dodgers have the advantage. J.A. Happ didn’t fare well in the NLDS and Blanton and Pedro may not even pitch. Hopefully the Phillies give the ball to Joe Blanton for game three or four as he was our most consistent pitcher all year.
• Where do you think the Mets will watch the playoffs from? No offense, but 23 games back might be too far to see.
• The Dodgers have a flare to them this year that wasn’t there a year ago. They’re confident, and I would be shocked if the series didn’t go six or seven games. The Dodgers definitely won’t lose in five games this time around.
• The Phillies will need more offense from Jimmy Rollins to beat the Dodgers.
• I hope Brett Myers makes an appearance. If for nothing else, put him into a game just to throw at Manny. Other than the Stairs/Victorino homerun platter in game two, that was the most exciting part of the series last year.
• The Dodgers youth, speed, and Manny-esque attitude will make them a much better opponent than the Phillies beat in 2008.
• Remember, you heard it here first. Tim Allen will occupy his seat behind home plate for game two just as he did last year. Only, at some point during the game, he’ll return to his seat dressed as Buzz Lightyear to promote the upcoming release of “Toy Story 3.”
• TBS commentators will drive you crazy. Joe Buck is the best voice in baseball right now and he’s calling the ALCS.
• If it’s a tight game, pay special attention to any instance where a runner(s) is in scoring position and there are two outs. These are great playoff baseball moments. The crowd is going crazy and momentum is up for grabs. An out gives the momentum to the pitcher and his team, and vice versa. How often do you see a team blow a scoring opportunity only to see the opponent put up runs in the next half inning? It happens all the time.
• The familiarity, history, and animosity will make this series the more exciting one to watch.
• The Phillies hit nearly 80 more home runs than the Dodgers did throughout the 2009 season. However, the Dodgers batted 12 points higher. In the playoffs, I think the better average has the advantage.
• My National League World Series pick bailed already so I don’t have a pick available. I will say that I am a lot more concerned than most of the Phillies fans around here.

Twins vs. Yankees

• After extensive research, scientists have discovered that you can fit three Ryan Madsons in CC Sabathia’s pants.
• Mr. Alex Rodriquez’s play has certainly fertilized his “love fern” with Kate Hudson. His numbers after the Division Series: .455 AVG., 2 HR, 6 RBI in three games. (Oh crap, did I just reference “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” on my sports blog? I’m ruined.)
• Game 2 was a classic. First, Twins closer Joe Nathan uncharacteristically blew a two run lead as ARod belted a two-run shot to center. (ARod kept the Yankees in the game with 3 RBI.) Then, the left field umpire whiffed on a call from 15 feet away while staring directly at the play as it unfolded. “Whiffed” is actually quite generous. He clearly bet on the Yankees is a better way to describe how badly he blew the call. After that, the Twins couldn’t score one lousy run with zero outs (ZERO!!!!), AND the bases loaded. ZERO! Twins Manager Rod Gardenhire paced the dugout like a caged lion at feeding time. I feared he was going to bite someone. I’m pretty sure he sized up Orlando Cabrera a few times before talking himself out of it. Finally, the very first batter (Mark Teixeira) of the bottom half of that same inning bounced a liner off the top of the wall just a few feet from the foul pole. Without a doubt, the absolute quickest walk-off home run you will probably ever see. The ball went from bat to stands in what seemed like half a second. The only thing that could have possibly made the night worse for Minnesota fans was if they learned Brett Favre would miss his week 6 contest against the Ravens due to a previously scheduled colonoscopy. Hey Minnesota, at least you have Ricky Rubio, or not. Wuhhaahahah.
• In the final game of the series, Twins second baseman, Nick Punto, almost went all “Adam Morrison” on us. After two solo shots by ARod (so clutch thus far) and Jorge Posada gave the Yankees a one run lead, the Twins desperately needed baserunners in the bottom of the eighth. Punto answered the call by leading off the inning with a double. Unfortunately, Punto got too aggressive rounding third on the subsequent infield single, again with zero outs (ZERO!!!!!), and was gunned down scrambling back to the bag. TV cameras showed him, at least in my opinion, on the verge of breaking down into tears, and rightfully so. Instead of first and third with no outs, it was man on first with one out. Check mate. Series over. The Twins were defeated by the Yankees (51% responsible), the Twins (47% responsible), and the umpire who wagered on the Yankees (2% responsible). Hey, if you’re gonna lose, it’s always best to lose in such heartbreaking fashion that your fans hate you for the next 6-12 months (depending on how you perform the following year). While this doesn’t facilitate the healing process, it is totally enjoyable for the rest of the sports world.

Red Sox vs. Angels

• In case you didn’t get the memo, Angles CF Tori Hunter is not messing around. He wants to win. You’ll rarely see a baseball player as fired up as Hunter was last Thursday after his three run home run.
• On the other hand, the Red Sox didn’t show much of a pulse in this series. This is my biggest fear for the Phillies. Win a World Series every few years and then lose that passion for winning. It’s happened in Boston, and especially to their fans. This is also part of the reason I didn’t enjoy my time at Citizens Bank Ballpark this year. The 2008 championship attracted the “I love Phillies baseball, Eric Lindros was my favorite of all time,” fans to the BANK this year. Clueless and annoying are the two worst attributes in any fan, friend, roommate, spouse, dog, colleague, blogger, or neighbor. This made me actually miss the days at the VET when my friends/family and I needed binoculars to locate the fan sitting closest to us. In addition to the annoying, pretend fan, the 2008 championship has affected the lifelong Phillies fans as well. They’re softer, more lenient, and less hungry. If Phillies fans continue to act spoiled and stop being irrational, delusional fans; then I’m out. I didn’t sign up at age three to be rational and content. Win now, win tomorrow, win always, or else. I’m sorry. Where was I? Oh yes, Sox, Angels.
• Game three was certainly a doozy. I only caught the latter innings as I was indulged in football, but those final two innings were full of excitement. My boy, Bobby Abreu, started the two inning rally with a leadoff double in the eighth. He, along with Vladimir Guerrero, later scored on a huge two out single by Juan Rivera that cut the Red Sox lead to one. I should also mention that the same knucklehead who ruined the Angel’s chances of tying up the 2008 Division Series with the Red Sox at 2-2 (Reggie Willits), got picked off at first, after being inserted as a pinch runner. You’re a pinch runner! Your job is to run the bases quickly and effectively. Instead, you record the last out of the inning before even running the bases. Dealing with this insanity is why managers make the big bucks. I couldn’t do it without hurting someone. Seriously though, is there a more embarrassing thing in sports? I could only think of two. 1. The short yardage running back that is brought in at the goal line and subsequently fumbles. 2. Nothing. The pinch runner getting picked off is downright bad. Now back to the game… The Red Sox added a run in their half of the eighth to stretch the lead to two. Boston closer, Jonathan Papelbon, retired the first two batters he faced and had the Angels down to their final out. After a single and walk, Bobby Abreu delivered the first blow. He cranked a double off the Green Monster that scored the runner from second and moved the game tying and winning runs into scoring position. In the at bat, Abreu battled to extend the game. The elation on his face as he watched the ball jump of his bat into the Monster was priceless. It was the second loudest I cheered all day. (The loudest I cheered was when JaMarcus Russell finally took a sack without fumbling. He’s clearly developing.) After an intentional walk, Vlad, “Tree Trunks for Legs,” smacked what would ultimately be the game winning single to center. Bye, Bye, Boston.
• Apparently Brad Lidge passed the, “I can’t close right now. I’m as reliable as Mitch Williams,” swine flu to half of the closers in the playoffs. Of the eight closers in the playoffs, four of them, and one left fielder (Matt Holliday), blew a save. Brad Lidge was not one of them.

Looking ahead to the American League Championship Series

I am extremely excited about this matchup. These are the two best teams in baseball and I have very high hopes for a seven game series. You can peruse the internet for all the ins and outs of this series. I’m not a baseball guru, so I’ll leave that analysis to the experts. Here’s what I think you can expect from this series:

• Bobby Abreu will walk 10 times. No one milks the count like Bobby does.
• Kate Hudson will be shown three times that amount.
• The Playoff hats with ear coverings will make an appearance.
• No player from either team will strike out 9 times in three games as Twins DH Jason Kubel did in the Division Series against the Yankees.
• Yankees RF Johnny Damon will awkwardly run into the wall while chasing a ball at least once. While he’s an offensive threat, his defense has never been stellar. Boston fans can help here with their insight. They reference Damon with the following, “Looks like Jesus, throws like Mary, acts like Judas.” Well put.
• You will get chills from at least one of the 7^th inning renditions of “God Bless America.” I always do. It’s especially moving when you can hear the crowd singing along in unison. My wife laughs at my appreciation for this. I think she may be an Antarctic spy, but I have no proof.
• The dugout cam is the greatest addition to playoff baseball, ever. I’ll watch any game just for the 90 seconds worth of footage they show throughout a telecast. Teams like the Angels and Yankees make the dugout cam even greater because they seem like fun teams who enjoy the moment as much as the fans. I’ve asked my wife about installing one of these next to my couch so everyone can see my reactions as I watch the games. I’m pretty exciting, and I’m almost positive that people would thoroughly enjoy the show. Look for this addition to 4thanddone.com circa 2011. I’m pumped.
• Billy Crystal and countless other celebrities will make their way to the thousand dollar seats around the field. “Hey look at me! I love baseball! The Yankees are great!” Celebrities ruin sports. Every spring, prior to the NBA playoffs, I pray that San Antonio Spurs coach, Gregg Popovich will get so upset that he cold clocks Jack Nicholson for intruding on his coaching space. He’ll then stand over Nicholson and yell, “The-e-e-e-e-er’s Jacky!”
• The speed of Chone Figgins, Erick Aybar, and Bobby Abreu will win a tight game in the late innings for the Angels. Speed on the basepaths in a close game is my favorite aspect of playoff baseball.
• Derek Jeter will hit .350+ and have 2-3 clutch hits for the Yankees. Of all the athletes of my generation, he is one of the most impressive.
• If at any point in time, the Angels need a momentum shift or a little inspiration, you can be sure that I will stand on my coffee table and do the “Angel wings flap” that I mentioned in my first baseball post. This time of the year, it’s all about doing it for your teammates. I’m here for you, Angels.
• The Yankees rely on power, the Angels on manufacturing runs. I’ll take the latter in the playoffs any day. That’s why I think the Angels advance.
• I hope there are no beanball fiascos, bench clearing brawls, or take out slides in this series. They just ruin the ga……just kidding. I would love to see all three…every game. Can the Yankees bring back Don Zimmer for one more run? Who throws him to the ground if the benches/bullpens empty? My money is on Vlad, but only because he couldn’t outrun anyone else.

…Blood has returned. I’m good to go.

So, after a relatively uneventful summer and very little excitement in September, baseball finally matters again. I watch baseball all season, but I don’t get super excited about it until playoff time. You can have your home runs, diving catches, and strikeouts. In my opinion, it’s the intricacies that make baseball so great; stealing bases; manufacturing runs; the unspoken yet clearly defined roles in a bench clearing brawl; breaking up double plays; hitting batters to send a message. The playoffs induce the aforementioned on a yearly basis. Tonight’s one-and-done play-in game set the stage for an amazing October. Let’s hope the playoffs live up to the precedent. Please, oh please, give me at least four series that extend to six or seven games. Pretty please? Ok, let’s quickly breakdown the 2009 playoffs.

Colorado Rockies (NL Wildcard) vs. Philadelphia Phillies (NL East)

What’s more exciting than leaving work with the anticipation of watching your team open the playoffs? Perhaps going back to work a half hour later after your lunch break ends? If you’re a Rockies fan and your answer is no, you’ll need to take a day off work. The MLB Brain Trust thinks it’s a great idea to hold a playoff game when 90.5% of working Americans are, well, working (100% – 9.5% Unemployment rate). This makes zero sense. Give me the conch shell. Here I go. Deep breath… Start an east coast game at 6PM ET and then stagger the starts of the remaining games by an hour and 45 minutes. Broadcast the games on FOX and TBS, and, if needed, delay the start of the third game until the end of the first. The ending of all three games can now be viewed without missing the end to one of the other games and most of America is available to watch. Problem solved! Annddd I’m spent… While I really do have a problem with the playoff scheduling, I am just avoiding the harsh reality that my Phillies may flat-out crash and burn in the playoffs. Name one thing the Phillies are currently doing well enough to win a playoff series. Go ahead. Speak. Someone say something. Ok, you in the corner… “The Phillies hit a lot of home runs.” Crap. When do the Sixers start?

St. Louis Cardinals (NL Central) vs. Los Angeles Dodgers (NL West)

I am very, very concerned for the Los Angeles Dodgers. I recently learned that the PR department forgot to send out the notice to inform all fake fans that the Dodgers reached the playoffs. It read, “Dodgers are in the playoffs. Don’t forget to attend the games and shamelessly get yourself on TV!” I hope a foul ball cranks Penny Marshall in the head right after Tim Allen takes a broken bat to the shin. Shame on you people. Nonetheless, this should be an entertaining series as two of the league’s best hitters face off in Manny Ramirez and Albert Pujols. I think the Cardinals have the best rotation and the best player (Pujols) in the NL playoffs. For that reason, I am picking them to advance to the World Series.

Things I’ll certainly miss in the 2009 NL Playoffs:

• Pat Burrell running uphill to first base
• Brad Lidge celebrating a save
• Wondering how Prince Fielder is a baseball player
• Fans at Wrigley looking for the nearest alcoholic beverage, or noose
• Lou Piniella doing his best Wade Phillips impersonation
• Manny running out a ground ball….ha! Just wanted to make sure you’re awake!

Minnesota Twins (AL Central) vs. New York Yankees (AL East)

While the Twins’ run into the playoffs was certainly inspiring, I can’t bring myself to pick against the dynamic Yankees. No, they don’t have the best rotation, but they’re bullpen is rock solid and their offense is unmatched. While a potent offense will rarely win you a playoff series, a lock-down bullpen will. The only thing that could possibly propel the Twins to win this series is the, “If Brett Favre can do it, so can we,” magic floating around the Metrodome these days. Careful Yankees, caaarrefuul. By the way, I hate domes, but baseball in the Metrodome has a soft place in my heart. No logical explanation. None. Moving on… Derek Jeter and Joe Mauer have got to be the two most “Mr. Cool” guys in baseball. They’re both clutch, and I never see either one panic or get flustered. I think I might have just convinced myself to name my first son, Deroe Mauter Coyle. My wife is going to be thrilled.

Boston Red Sox (AL Wildcard) vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim via Russia by way of Czechoslovakia (AL West)

I hate the Red Sox but I LOVE watching playoff baseball in Fenway. Every big game seems bigger when it’s played there. Boston should be applauded for making it to this point with all the obstacles they’ve overcome (injuries, inconsistent offense, death of Big Papi). While I’m probably wrong, I think the third time’s a charm for the Angels. Fear not Angels, I believe. You can even count on me to stand in my living room and boldly flap my arms in support a la Roger from “Angels in the Outfield” (go to the 3:53 mark). I can’t guarantee I’ll nail the creepy, trying not to cry face he makes in the final game, but I’ll give it my all. (Who knew Matthew McConaughey and “Maggie” would reunite two years later in “A Time to Kill?” I didn’t see it coming.) I’m picking the Angels here for five reasons. 1. Bobby Abreu. 2. I love their aggressiveness on the basepaths. They steal, push first to third, and challenge outfielders more than anyone I’ve watched this year. I love it. 3. They must be determined to advance past the Red Sox after being eliminated by Boston in 07 and 08. 4. Mike Sciocsia is my favorite manager. 5. Athletes playing for more than money, fame, or even winning, are tough to beat. Don’t get me wrong, the Angels are playing to win. They’re also playing for their fallen teammate, Nick Adenhart, who was killed by a drunk driver in April. As intriguing as another Sox/Yanks ALCS would be, I think the Angels move past Boston and ultimately take the 2009 World Series crown.

Things I’ll certainly miss in the 2009 AL Playoffs:

• Ozzie Guillen, the guy is pure entertainment
• The speed of Carl Crawford and B.J. Upton
• Reggie Willits caught stealing home in the top of the 9^th in a tie game of a division series down 2 games to 1. I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or turn off the TV. I was dumbfounded.
• Red Sox rallying from 7-0 in Game 5
• Racking my brain to recall which college professor Joe Maddon resembled